How to Start a Conversation With Anyone (Without the Script Voice)

The simplest way to start a conversation is to notice something you and the other person are both experiencing, say something about it, and ask a small, open question. Then listen to the answer and ask about that. “Busy in here tonight. Have you been before?” is not clever, and it does not need to be. Its only job is to give them something easy to answer.

The opener is the least important part. The conversation actually starts with the second question, the one that shows you heard the answer to the first. Most people who feel bad at starting conversations are not short of openers. They are stuck because they think the first line has to carry the whole thing.

Why the first line matters less than you think

When you are nervous, it feels as though the other person is judging your opening like a performance. They mostly are not. They are relieved someone else went first, and busy wondering how they are coming across themselves.

Research backs this up from a slightly different angle. In a set of experiments published in 2022, Michael Kardas, Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley found that people consistently underestimated how interested strangers would be in getting to know them, and how well a conversation would go. The other person is usually more up for it than you assume.

So lower the bar. A good opener is one that is easy to answer, not one that is impressive.

How to start a conversation with someone you just met

Nearly every opener that works has the same three parts:

1. Notice something shared: the place, the event, the wait, the weather if you must.
2. Ask a small open question about it, one that can't be answered with just “yes”.
3. Follow whatever they say with a question about their answer, not a new topic.

Here is what that looks like in the places people actually get stuck.

At a party or a friend's thing

You have one guaranteed topic: the host. Use it.

• “How do you know Sam?”
• “I only know about two people here. Who should I know about?”
• “Did you try the thing on the left? I can't work out what it is.”

At a class, a club or the gym

Shared activities are the easiest places to talk because the topic is built in. Ask about their experience of the thing.

• “Is this your first one, or have you been coming for a while?”
• “How did you get into this?”
• “I'm completely lost on that last bit. Did it make sense to you?”

At work

Skip “how are you”, which gets “fine” and a closed door. Ask about something specific and low-stakes.

• “How's your week going? Mine's been a lot of meetings about meetings.”
• “What are you working on at the moment?”
• “You're new, right? How are you finding it so far?”

Waiting around

Queues, waiting rooms, delayed trains. Everyone is already a bit bored, which makes it easier, not harder.

• “Is this the queue for the actual thing, or just a queue?”
• “Have they said anything about how long it'll be?”
• “I've been watching that dog for five minutes. Best thing in here.”

Neighbours and familiar faces

The people you see every week and have never spoken to. The trick is to treat the familiarity as the topic.

• “We've nodded at each other about forty times. I'm Priya.”
• “How long have you lived here? I still don't know where anything is.”

The follow-up question is the real opener

If you only take one thing from this, take this. A 2017 study led by Karen Huang at Harvard found that people who asked more questions, and follow-up questions in particular, were liked more by the people they talked to. Follow-ups work because they prove you were listening. The people in the study did not predict this; most of us underestimate how much asking helps.

A follow-up is any question that uses what they just said. Compare:

“I just got back from Lisbon.” “Nice. So what do you do?” versus “I just got back from Lisbon.” “Oh, how was it? Was it work or a proper holiday?”

The first answer resets the conversation. The second builds on it. Some follow-ups that work almost anywhere:

• “How did that happen?”
• “What was that like?”
• “Wait, how did you end up doing that?”
• “Is that something you'd do again?”
• “What's the best part of it?”

Then offer a bit of your own, so it is a conversation and not an interview. More on that rhythm in how to keep a conversation going.

How to start a conversation over text

The bare “hey” is the hardest message in the world to answer, because it asks the other person to come up with the conversation. Give them something to hold.

Someone you met once

• “Hey, it's Tom from the pottery class. Did your bowl survive the kiln?”
• “Good to meet you last night. You mentioned a ramen place near the station. What was it called?”

A friend you haven't spoken to in a while

Lead with the reason you thought of them, and take the pressure off the gap. Reconnecting with old friends has more on this, but the short version:

• “Walked past our old flat today and thought of you. How are you doing?”
• “This song came on and I immediately thought of that awful road trip. Hope you're well.”

A group chat that's gone quiet

• “Quick poll: best thing you've eaten this month?”
• “Anyone free on the 22nd? I'm overdue seeing all of you.”

Conversation starters for adults (that aren't “what do you do?”)

“What do you do?” is fine, but it pins people to their job, which some people love and many would rather not talk about at a party. These go somewhere more interesting and are easy to answer at any length:

• “What's taking up most of your head at the moment?”
• “What are you looking forward to?”
• “Anything good you've watched or read lately?”
• “What's your weekend usually like?”
• “What's something you've got into recently?”
• “Where did you grow up? Do you miss it?”
• “What's the best thing that's happened to you this week?”
• “What were you doing before this?”
• “Are you a planner or a see-what-happens person?”
• “What's something you're weirdly good at?”

When you want to go further than this with someone you already know, there is a longer list of deep questions to ask friends, sorted from light to deep.

If it doesn't take

Sometimes you get a one-word answer and a polite smile. That is not a verdict on you. People are tired, distracted, shy or just not in the mood. Have one more go, and if it still isn't moving, leave warmly:

• “Anyway, I'll let you get on. Nice to meet you.”
• “I'm going to grab a drink. Good talking to you.”

A short conversation that ends kindly is a perfectly good outcome. You will see them again next week, and the second conversation is always easier than the first. If the dread beforehand is the hard part, how to be less awkward is about exactly that.

Where Spillr fits

Spillr has one feature that is basically a conversation starter with the stakes removed. Scrolls let you write one letter a day to a stranger somewhere in the world, with no name, photo or profile attached. They can reply once, within seven days, and if you both want to keep going it opens into a chat. It is a good place to practise the first line, because the only thing anyone sees is what you wrote.

It is not a substitute for the person at the bus stop or the colleague by the kettle. But it is a gentle way to remember that most people, when you say something real to them, say something back.